Brando Guest Post: Patrick Muldoon

Brando writes us:

Celebrity dream cameo: Patrick Muldoon

I had a dream involving Patrick Muldoon (Starship Troopers, Melrose Place) and possibly Dina Meyer (also of Starship Troopers). I think this is because I’ve read too many interviews with Paul Verhoeven, or possibly because I watched the Seinfeld rerun where Jerry lies about watching Melrose Place. Either way, I am scared.

Here’s what happened:

The Lovely Becky and I were getting on a plane. The cabin was open, so you could see right into the cockpit. The ceiling also had a large glass sunroof very much like my Subaru Forester’s. We were flying to some sort of academic convention. Muldoon and someone who might have been Meyer came on as the pilot and co-pilot. I didn’t recognize him as Patrick Muldoon, but rather as someone who I immediately did not trust to fly this convertible Airbus properly. I started dream sweating.

Adorable Girlfriend, the Uncanny Canadian, and Res Publica were also on the plane, but we were not sitting together. AG and UC were together a few rows in front of us, and Res was in their row on the other side of the aisle. I have a feeling Pinko Punko was on the plane, but don’t recall seeing him.

Captain (!) Muldoon started babbling about the flight. We took off. The plane banked hard left, then started flying upside down. We were not pleased. Stuff fell into the sunroof and I was about to plotz. But Muldoon straightened the plane out and said, laughing, that this was going to be a fun flight. Immediately, everything became smooth and he turned off the seatbelt sign.

I got up and went to the back of the plane. UC also came back, and we sat down and raided the liquor bottles on the drink cart, mostly because this convertible Airbus was not equipped with stewardesses [flight attendants -Ed]. I absolutely cannot recall what UC looked like in the dream. It’s almost as if, in true Canadian fashion, he felt it would be impolite to impose his the memory of his appearance on me. I do remember we were laughing and talking about stuff that would annoy AG, probably music or videogames [anything -Ed].

At one point, I looked up, and I saw the plane flying very slowly about 100 feet over a river. We approached a bridge that looked like the Queensboro, although we were definitely not in New York. The bridge had these giant balloons, about the size of hot air baloons, tied to it. Muldoon came on the com and talked about how we were going to see something really cool. The bigger baloons exploded, and thousands of small baloons flew out from them and filled the sky. (In Muldoon’s defense, it did look pretty awesome.)

However, all the passengers now noticed that we were flying right above a river and toward a bridge. Res yelled out to Muldoon, “Oh my God, what the fuck are you doing?!” Muldoon made some comment that he was just trying to show us something interesting.

AG stood up and marched from her seat to the cockpit. All I remember is that she was blond and very DKNY. She was intimidating, but I sensed that her powers would be used for good, not evil. My point of view switched as if I was sitting on the instrument panel of the cockpit. AG leaned over to Muldoon and, a calm yet threatening voice, said, “I want you to stop these shenanigans and fly us to our final destination now.”

Muldoon protested a bit, saying he was only trying to have fun. Before he got very far, AG, said, “Think very carefully about the next words coming out of your mouth.”

Muldoon swallowed hard. “Yes, ma’am,” he said. All shenanigans ceased and soon we were back at a smooth cruising altitude.

One last note: I did not go into the lavatory, so I could not confirm if there was Sink Lettuce aboard. But it felt like the kind of flight Sink Lettuce would enjoy.

Pinko says:  That dream was awesome.  AG kicks buttinski!

8 Responses to “Brando Guest Post: Patrick Muldoon”


  • Oh my god, that dream kicks so much ass. In fact, the only thing that could have made it better is if I simultaneously had the exact same dream. AG is dead-on. It’s kind of scary. As for my appearance, was it kind of like Blue Girl’s experience, where I simply looked like the letters UC? We were probably discussing guitar hero and you were probably telling me again how it is greatest game of all time while I listened, drooling in envy.

  • It was very bizarre, all the more so because I rarely remember my dreams. UC, we probably were discussing Guitar Hero and its awesomeness. But you were an actual person, not Arabic letters.

    Pinko, thank you for rescuing me from the patriarchy with the flight attendant correction.

  • This is the time on CDC when we discuss Guitar Hero.

    I am going to be listening to a lot of Wolfmother in order to perfect the performance.

  • Thank Gawd AG was there to safely land your dream. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

  • Actually, it was good. Once AG took over, I knew we were going to be safe.

  • Thanks for the tip-off about this at RoD, B-dawg.

    Gosh, this is all too funny. Unsure what UC means about being dead-on about AG, the blonde and DKNY or the no nonsense AG.

    Funny enough, AG has never been inside of a cockpit. Sometimes AG will peek in as she sits in first class before take-off, but overall, there has not been any interest.

    UC looks Jewish. Think Jewish and you’ll know UC. In fact, we were at a Bat Mitzvah today and AG’s Rabbi made a book that the parents of the Bat Mitzvah girl purchased for the non Jewish side of the family. There were four pictures of what Jews look like at synagogue and swear to G-d, UC looked exactly like the first!

    P.S. Who did the editing because they can kiss AG’s ass for the comment about being annoyed about talking about anything. (The word ass is permitted on this blog because UC used it!)

  • Res yelled out to Muldoon, “Oh my God,”

    Funny, I had a very similar dream. Except in my dream, I just kept yelling “OH GOD OH GOD OHHHHH GOOOOOOODDD” louder and louder while Patrick…umm…piloted. Then he and I shared a cigarette.

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