Cast of Law and Order, on alien planet-Chuckles Guest Post, also Jennifer has a good one at her place

Chuckles, who is a genius at remembering dream details, gives us another highly detailed, first-person sci-fi actioner dream featuring a decent chunk of the Law and Order cast. The only thing keeping it from being ultra-awesome is that Michael Moriarty wasn’t in it.  Also noted:  Jennifer’s hilarious and very familiar Elton John and Brendan Fraser dream.

The dream starts in media res, that’s “in the middle of the action” for you plebians, as I walk out of a dense jungle onto a muddy mangrove breach. I am exploring a new planet with my friend E and we are hacking our way through the root systems of the trees to get to the blue ocean that we can see through gaps in the foliage. We are discussing the various merits of assorted bands like Super Furry Animals, Of Montreal, Le Loup, Sound Team, and Georgie James. I believe E was very specifically trying to get me clued into Spoon and Pavement. There were a whole troop of people following us, but I wasn’t paying attention to them because I was busy hacking a path with a machete and frequently fending off ferocious native animals. Most of these animals were -equivalents like cobra-equivalents that had the body shape of a cobra but were lime green and had leafy natural camouflage like some of the sea horse species. This coloration was much appreciated because the foliage was all browns and the cobras stuck out. (I am not colorblind in my dreams, which is almost poetic.) There were also poisonous frogs that had a disturbing propensity to leap toward us, but being expeditiously experienced explorers, E and I were expertly batting the frogs away from our persons. We made a game of trying to bop the leafy, lime-green cobras with the flying frogs.

After some time, we reached a muddy sort of beach that was like a shallow channel that ran parallel to the real beach line some twenty yards further. The channel was of varying depth but never more than a six feet or so. We trudged through it and hacked a path to the real beach and cleared a path for our expedition. After clearing a patch of beach, the ground turned from mud to entirely white sand and matched the rest of the beach like there had never been mangroves growing in it.

The expedition began setting up tents and atmospheric monitoring gear under the watchful leadership of S. Epatha Merkerson. Lenny was there with Benjamin Bratt and they set up a big flat screen display and wisecracked about the apparent lameness of the local wildlife. They did not regard the lime-green cobras as much of a threat because the cobras could not move faster than a slug on the sand. The cobras’ leafy scales caught on the sand. The frogs remained tennis practice for anyone interested in smacking a frog with a clipboard. E and I wandered up the shores for a few hours while they set up camp and came to a marshy area about three hours north along the coast of the beach and then turned around and headed back to the camp.

After the camp had been set up, Lenny, B. Bratt and S.E. Merkerson called me and E over for our instructions and briefing. Apparently, our main reason for this expedition was for Skidoo product testing. The big flat screen display had a schematic for some new type of underwater ramjet-equipped Skidoo. It looked like a big whistle that you strapped into and dangled behind. Once you started it with a little forward motion, the special water ramjet would accelerate you for a period of time that was to be determined by our product testing. E and I stripped down to our Hawai’ian Speedo-styled bathing suits and then Lenny started making wisecracks about how we would only be able to have less flow-resistance if we had a full body electrolysis treatments. Then B. Bratt made the crack that such a treatment would also be the only thing that could make us look any gayer and E then said, “Well I am gay, so what is that supposed to mean?” Lenny and B. Bratt looked embarassed and apologized saying that it was “hard to break old habits.” S. Epatha Merkerson told everyone to “cut it out” and get to work.

Lenny and B. Bratt then handed us our ramjet Skidoos. They were only about the size of your average whistle and had straps for a finger. I thought we were being messed with more, but Lenny pointed out the scale on the six foot+ flat screen display and assured us that he wasn’t fooling around. E and I strapped on our flippers and our ramjet-ring Skidoos and waded out into the crystal clear ocean. The sandy beach only lasted for about ten feet before dropping off sharply. E and I gave each other one of those “here goes nothing” looks while Lenny, B. Bratt, and S. Epatha Merkerson watched us from the shore with clipboards and pens in hand. They were now all wearing lab coats and sunglasses. Lenny had a white streak of sunscreen on his nose.

As soon as I kicked my flippers while holding out my hands like Superman, I shot off like a rocket underwater. The ramjet-rings worked marvelously. E and I made it to the marshy area in about ten minutes and then shot all the way back before the rings ran out of power. S. Epatha Merkerson said that was excellent but now it was time for a shallow water test. I didn’t really understand this because E and I had not held our hands more than six inches underwater the whole time. Nevertheless, Lieutenant Van Buren must not be disobeyed so I strapped on a new ring, a snorkel and waded into the muddy channel. I had to dodge some frogs and lime-green cobras, but the ring worked once I squatted in the water and pushed off.

Unfortunately, the ring worked too well. It felt like I was being dragged through a muddy puddle which is basically exactly what it was doing. I kept hitting sticks and getting goo in my snorkel. After a bit, I realized that all the cobras were after me. I was moving pretty fast, not as fast as in the ocean, but fast enough that the cobras kept missing. I got to the marshy area and turned around.

The ring was loosing power faster than before, probably due to the fouled water and all the resistance of trying to drag me through mud a few times. On the way back, I was moving at about 75% of the speed as before and the cobras were getting really close with their strikes. I also had a train of frogs following me now. In order to avoid getting bitten by a cobra, I flipped over on my back and managed to grab a stick and started swatting the cobras like and action hero sword fighting while being dragged by one arm. It was pretty badass. Then the ring failed.

I was about 50 yards from the expedition site and I had to get up from the mud and start foot slogging it while fighting off a horde of bounding frogs and cobras hanging from the branches overhead. As I finally made it back to the camp, with sticks and mud and leaves plastered all over my body, I realized that everyone was laughing at me. S. Epatha Merkerson had insisted on the shallow water test as a joke. It wasn’t quite so funny when the wave of frogs that had been following me came into sight. Everyone had to fight them off, frogs were knocked flying in all directions.

I woke up giggling.

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