Brando writes us:
Celebrity dream cameo: Patrick Muldoon
I had a dream involving Patrick Muldoon (Starship Troopers, Melrose Place) and possibly Dina Meyer (also of Starship Troopers). I think this is because I’ve read too many interviews with Paul Verhoeven, or possibly because I watched the Seinfeld rerun where Jerry lies about watching Melrose Place. Either way, I am scared.
Here’s what happened:
The Lovely Becky and I were getting on a plane. The cabin was open, so you could see right into the cockpit. The ceiling also had a large glass sunroof very much like my Subaru Forester’s. We were flying to some sort of academic convention. Muldoon and someone who might have been Meyer came on as the pilot and co-pilot. I didn’t recognize him as Patrick Muldoon, but rather as someone who I immediately did not trust to fly this convertible Airbus properly. I started dream sweating.
Adorable Girlfriend, the Uncanny Canadian, and Res Publica were also on the plane, but we were not sitting together. AG and UC were together a few rows in front of us, and Res was in their row on the other side of the aisle. I have a feeling Pinko Punko was on the plane, but don’t recall seeing him.
Captain (!) Muldoon started babbling about the flight. We took off. The plane banked hard left, then started flying upside down. We were not pleased. Stuff fell into the sunroof and I was about to plotz. But Muldoon straightened the plane out and said, laughing, that this was going to be a fun flight. Immediately, everything became smooth and he turned off the seatbelt sign.
I got up and went to the back of the plane. UC also came back, and we sat down and raided the liquor bottles on the drink cart, mostly because this convertible Airbus was not equipped with stewardesses [flight attendants -Ed]. I absolutely cannot recall what UC looked like in the dream. It’s almost as if, in true Canadian fashion, he felt it would be impolite to impose his the memory of his appearance on me. I do remember we were laughing and talking about stuff that would annoy AG, probably music or videogames [anything -Ed].
At one point, I looked up, and I saw the plane flying very slowly about 100 feet over a river. We approached a bridge that looked like the Queensboro, although we were definitely not in New York. The bridge had these giant balloons, about the size of hot air baloons, tied to it. Muldoon came on the com and talked about how we were going to see something really cool. The bigger baloons exploded, and thousands of small baloons flew out from them and filled the sky. (In Muldoon’s defense, it did look pretty awesome.)
However, all the passengers now noticed that we were flying right above a river and toward a bridge. Res yelled out to Muldoon, “Oh my God, what the fuck are you doing?!” Muldoon made some comment that he was just trying to show us something interesting.
AG stood up and marched from her seat to the cockpit. All I remember is that she was blond and very DKNY. She was intimidating, but I sensed that her powers would be used for good, not evil. My point of view switched as if I was sitting on the instrument panel of the cockpit. AG leaned over to Muldoon and, a calm yet threatening voice, said, “I want you to stop these shenanigans and fly us to our final destination now.”
Muldoon protested a bit, saying he was only trying to have fun. Before he got very far, AG, said, “Think very carefully about the next words coming out of your mouth.”
Muldoon swallowed hard. “Yes, ma’am,” he said. All shenanigans ceased and soon we were back at a smooth cruising altitude.
One last note: I did not go into the lavatory, so I could not confirm if there was Sink Lettuce aboard. But it felt like the kind of flight Sink Lettuce would enjoy.
Pinko says: That dream was awesome. AG kicks buttinski!