Monthly Archive for May, 2007

Chuckles Guest Post: Jeff Kober and James Gandolfini

PP says:  I don’t think I know if I know if Alberto Gonzalez is familiar with Jeff Kober, although he is now.

Below: James Gandolfini, although to be more accurate I think Chuckles dreamt about Tony Soprano.



This one happened last Friday night.  I was sober and went to sleep early to wake up for a morning rendezvous for my nephew’s birthday party.

The dream started with me standing on a hill looking out over a city on a peninsula.  It was a sunny day and I was looking at the water with binoculars.  As an undercover Environmental Protection Agency operative, I was about to infiltrate a ring of poachers.  We were having some sort of meeting in the ruins of an old piping station, some place with a lot of crumpling masonry and big pipes running everywhere.  I met with Jeff Kober.  He said that if I told anyone about this, I would be cut up and used as chum.  He had a big flensing knife that he menaced me with while saying this.  I said that I needed some money and reminded him that he had approached me in the bar last night.  We walked down a giant cement pipe to a secluded beach.  James Gandolfini was dressed like a longshoreman and directing people with a cigar.  He was yelling and cursing at everyone to work faster and saying that he was going to cut off all our balls if we didn’t bait the hooks faster.  The hooks were the size of my head.  Everyone was baiting really thing fishing lines with pot roast sized chunks of meat.  There was a small boat out in the bay dropping chum in the water.  We sent two chumps out into the water with fins and the long lines.  They swam out toward the little boat and were sucked under when they got out to deep water.

Gandolfini started screaming at us to haul in the lines and heave ho.  There was a lot of cursing, f-bombs, c-bombs and such at us as Gadolfini did not appreciate our effort at hauling in the lines.  We were pulling like mad and then I started to see this gigantic white shape under the water.  We kept pulling and this enormous pasty white shark came up to the surface.  We were only able to pull most of its head out of the water onto the rocky beach.  A team of men in SCUBA gear jumped into the water and swam down alongside the shark.  It looked like something that lived without much light.  It had enormous eyes and just sort of gasped for water.  It was probably 30 feet thick and a few hundred long, but it only waved its fins lazily in the water.  I looked around and knew that we were poaching the Giant Cave Shark of the Lesser Upper Bay, but I did not know why or how I was supposed to arrest 50 men armed with fishhooks the size of my head and flensing knives. 

James Gandolfini was pacing back and forth and swearing at the time it was taking the SCUBA divers to come back up.  Jeff Kober directed all of us on the beach to start removing the hooks from the shark’s mouth.  The shark had very tiny teeth for its size,  they were the size of normal great white shark teeth, so it looked like a really big lamprey mouth.  Some of the guys had to climb into the mouth to undue the hooks and when they got toward the back of the mouth, it twitched and they were swallowed.  Gandolfini then asked all the new guys to fill out W-4s and I pocketed one because it had listed the company name as “James Gandolfini’s Poached Nuts and Other Criminal Activities Emporium.”  I thought I might need it for evidence.

The SCUBA divers surfaced dragging a net with two enormous globes, like 10 feet around.  James Gandolfini ran up to them and inspected them.  He said that they were good specimens and that we could release the shark and that these would fetch a fine price at auction.  I realized that we weren’t just poaching the Giant Cave Shark, but the Giant Cave Shark’s nuts.  We had just castrated a 300 foot long shark.  I woke up after the shark sunk back under the water in the bay.