Monthly Archive for July, 2007

Ozzy Osbourne

This one wasn’t as detailed as Chuckles’ usually are because it just didn’t last that long.

Ozzy and I were going out for sushi and we ended up at a sushi-boat sushi bar.  Now I have never been to a sushi-boat sushi-bar with the conveyor belt actually going, but it seemed as natural as kiss-my-hand.  This is how dreams are.  Anyway, Ozzy and I are stuffing our faces with yummy sushi but he is totally hammered (as usual I guess, or maybe he just seems that way).  He was kind of acting like a drunken muppet.  What I mean by that is Ozzy always reminds me of Animal from the muppets, and he was just being very amiable and wasted.  The problem is I wanted him to sing “Iron Man” and he just couldn’t get the words out.  So I grabbed his cheeks with my fingers and I sang the song while moving his mouth like the neighbor mom in Better Off Dead making what’s-her-name say “Christ-mas Christ-mas” except I wasn’t saying “Christ-mas” I was saying “I am Iron Man!”

Indira Gandhi and Paul Rudd-Chuckles Guest Post

Chuckles, who happens to have vivid dreams that he actually remembers/is honest enough to share sends us this awesome head scratcher:

The dream starts by fading in from a formless light show.  I am wearing a tuxedo and standing a large, elaborately dressed dining room.  I look to my right and Paul Rudd is standing next to me in a tuxedo.  He has a short beard, like in that movie about fishermen.  People are filing into the dining hall and taking their assigned seats, most of them dressed for a wedding.  A dude comes walking into the dining wearing a blue shirt and blue pants. 


I say to Paul Rudd, “Check out this guy.  He looks like he lost his mullet.”  The man suddenly has a tan and his shirt has the sleeves cut off, as do his pant legs.
Paul Rudd says, “He looks like he fell off the back of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.”
I say, “You know how I know he’s a redneck?  Because he is wearing a tuxedo t-shirt to a wedding.”  The man is now wearing a tuxedo t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and blue cutoff shorts.
Paul Rudd says, “You know how I know he’s a redneck? Because he is wearing Oakley wrap-around sunglasses.”  The man is now wearing Oakley wrap-around sunglasses, a cutoff tuxedo t-shirt, blue cutoff shorts and has a deep tan.
I say, “You know how I know he’s a redneck?  Because he is wearing blue pants.”

A waiter walks around ringing a gong and everyone sits down and starts eating food that is served by a guy in a tuxedo and a woman in a wedding dress.  As soon as we are finished, another gong rings and we all file out and get on a tour bus.  Somebody that looks like the mother of the bride at the front of the tour bus is trying to tell us about our destination, but everyone is too loud and I can’t hear the person.  Paul Rudd is rather distressed by this.  He tries to get people nearby to shut up, with no results.

We get off the bus in a cemetery.  Indira freaking Gandhi is waiting for us and we are supposed to follow some sort of path that the Mahatma himself walked through this very cemetery to ensure good luck and peace on the marriage.  Paul Rudd and I are walking right behind the wedding party and stopping to meditate at every shrine like we are supposed to, while everyone else keeps talking and smoking and drinking.  They are littering quite a bit.  Every time we get to a shrine, Rudd and I do this prayer bowing and hand clapping thing while people throw empty beer cans and cigarette butts at us.  Indira Gandhi is rather distressed and says something about how “…this is the last time I try to educate the heathens…”  Eventually we get to the end of the trail and most of the wedding party and guests have ditched and are desecrating the cemetery.  Paul Rudd apologizes to Indira Gandhi and suggests that the two of us steal a couple of bicycles from the construction site over the hill and ride them back to the banquet hall and steal the wedding cake. 


We run up to the construction site and grab the first two unlocked bikes we find and the construction workers laugh at us like this a damn mentos commercial.  We bike away as fast as we can and leave jets of gravel in our wake.  We bike down country lanes, highways and then cut through a city and into some tunnels that are packed with stopped cars. It is here that I realize that my brakes do not work well enough to slow me down.  Paul Rudd makes a sharp left turn and yells at me as I go careening off the road over a pile of pipes and into a crowd of people.  I continue knocking people aside into I jump off the bike and land on a pile of pipes.  The bike slams into the tunnel wall.  After dusting myself off, I get back on my bike and try to catch my fellow cake thief.  The alarm goes off and I wake up.