BP sends this ultra BP dream to us:
I was going to see Buffalo Tom; of course, they were playing in a
dive bar, in a grungy part of town. As I was hanging, I noticed that
the building we were in, part of an industrial complex that had been
rattily converted to a bar, was actually kind of cool. Along the
river, near a thriving commercial area, and otherwise in a generally
decent shape other than, you know, kind of abandoned.
My kind of buildings.
I thought it might be worthwhile to take a run at getting someone to
fund an adaptive reuse development, so I contacted some city
officials, and arranged for a tour. One or two of my college profs
decided to come along, and so did Buffalo Tom. It was more
interesting than getting back on the bus.
Abandoned industrial buildings are relatively dangerous…. so after
walking through the ground floor and along the river, we were going
to walk around the streets, when one of our party offered to take us
through the upper floors. It was Mike Rowe, who apparently had
worked in this factory before becoming a cable TV celebrity on the
West Coast. The building had been a metal fabrication plant, and he
led us to a material lift platform.
Which was savagely dangerous; it was supported at two points in the
center, so if we weren’t completely balanced, it would ‘teeter-
totter’ and dump people off. “So it’s essential that you hold on
tight” said Mike Rowe with a smirk as he grabbed the control box,
which was hanging from a cable.
As we were getting situated, one of the Buffalo Tom guys came running
from a dark corridor, jumping on the platform and throwing us all off
as we yelled at him to be fuckin careful, what are you an idiot?
“I’m a drummer” he said. [PP adds “heh, effing drummers!”] Then, hurrying out behind him came a young
woman, straightening her dress and pulling up her panties, and it all
became clear. Or clearer.
At this point, I realized one of the members of the group was Rudy
Giuliani. As the girl straightened her clothes, Rudy’s eyes got that
bright sheen they get when he talks about 9-11, and his tongue darted
at his lips like a lizard. Re-pulsive.
So up we went. R-e-e-a-a-l-l-l-l-y slowly, like industrial lifts do,
grinding and shuddering and swaying side to side. Through near-total
darkness. Occasionally, the lift is disoriented by projections,
leaving us hanging by our hands, all the while Mike Rowe is rattling
on and on about working in this place.
Eventually, we get to an upper landing, and the platform shudders to
a stop, with much noise and banging. Mike Rowe smiled. I think he’s
bitter about all the poop. We all walked off onto the rooftop, while
Mike Rowe talked about the history of the business. I kind of walked
to one side, and peering around a corner of the structure, saw…..a
playground. Kids playing kickball, running around, flying kites.
Pointing this out to Mike, he said “Well, there IS another way up.
But that one’s no fun.” as he grinned. Suddenly, he noticed someone
walking our way from the playground, and hurriedly continued “…but
it’s time we got going. We can just go out this way…” and as he
led us back away from the playground, we jumped him [Rudy] and threw him
down on the rooftop, holding him down under a piece of corrugated steel.
As we’re holding him, the man from the playground comes around the
corner; he looks astoundingly like Ed Harris. He greeted Mike, who
muttered something from underneath the steel, and said to us “Has
this guy been giving you a tough time? Yeah, we never liked him
around here. MIke, I think we might just have you stick around for
eight hours or so.” and then he directed a worker to use a
backloader’s bucket to hold the corrugated steel in place.
That’s when I woke up. But I like to think that then we all grabbed
Giuliani and pitched him down the lift shaft.